A bit of Angst which is always necesary

[ajahbean]

HAPPY SEPTEMBER AND HALLOWEEN EVE!! 
Man September really got here, huh? It was like "girl, I'm COMIN'!"

SOOO... -picks nose- here I am again, lol. I'll be honest I have been gearing myself up for a return to Dreamwidth for a WHILE, but even after all this time I still have the same problem: I have no idea what to say without being a fake ass biatch and pretending like everything is fine...

But here's a cut because I did, in fact, think of some things to say. Warning ahead for me venting about how stressed I am haha;;;;

On Bluesky, I can't seem to shut up. I'll blah blah blah to whoever will listen (or just to myself). I think it's because I'm lonely, honestly. I don't have many friends irl. I feel like I'm growing apart from my online friends I've known since 99-00. I spend all day at work with teenagers and young adults who I have more in common with than customers near my age or older. Maybe that's a sign I need to grow up? But I've been trying so hard to move back into ~Whimsy Town~ and create an identity and life that would make me happy and learn to love and befriend myself.

You know when they ask would you date or hang out with yourself? When I was a kid, I may have said yes, because I was the only one who would understand myself and not get angry at myself for doing things I liked to do. Now, it's a hard no. I don't like my vessel. It feels moldy and dark inside. Sometimes I imagine scraping layers of sludge off of the walls of an inner world, to see if that helps me feel better. But it doesn't.

The things I used to love don't feel fun or enjoyable anymore. I feel like a captive in my body and in my home. My soul dog died in April, a gerbil before her, my soul gerbil 6 months before that. I'm still coping with the death of my grandparents and re-kindled trauma from childhood. The world is collapsing (but was it ever stable to begin with?). My day job is fine, but I only get paid $13/hr to care for the critters for sale and deal with customers who yell at me because we don't have axolotls or have zoo-size habitats for the animals. I hurt my ankle pretty badly during a work kickball game a few months ago and it's still fucked. I haven't had any time to rest or let it fully heal. Some weeks all I can do is take a benadryl and sleep because my allergies are so bad. I'm finally starting to come out of the fog and back to taking my meds on a regular basis. But i need a doctor. I need a therapist. I need time, and serotonin, and sleep. I'm trying not to be such a pessimist or defeatist. I'm trying not to think hateful things about myself or the world. I'm trying to be less annoying to people in my vicinity. I'm still fighting the burn out that came with being a freelance artist who almost died and had to keep the gig going until they found a day job and became even more stressed.  I feel like such a defeatist sometimes. I give up before I can start because it feels like there's no point. I can't go into a flow state anymore. I don't think I have for at least a couple decades. And with tariffs and foreign policy being what it is now, like half of my hobbies are probably going to be unavailable to me in a few months. So there you go, haha.

I have been trying so hard to reclaim my creative side, but it just makes the burn out worse. I've been trying to focus, but I only have so many hours in the day and so many days off. Everyone is back in school so I'm working 5 days a week instead of 4. I asked for an 8-4 time slot even though I suck at getting up early, but I hate the after-work crowd SO MUCH, I want to be GONE before they even walk out of their offices and drag their kids over for free-night-at-the-good-enough-zoo. Bluh. But, but, but, and, and, and. I'm just hoping this new schedule works out. I kind of miss being a night owl, but there's something so peaceful about the early morning. It was nice to ride on the bus alone and listen to my music during the hour we were closed while I got some things done. It will be nice to leave at a decent hour and still have time to exist.

I didn't intend for this to sound so angsty and angry lol woops. I don't know what to do with all of this... rage and frustration when I can't create the way I want to.

I have a journal. I do write in it a LOT. I doubles as a scrapbook. My wrists have been hurting more often when I write with a pen. I guess arthritis was inevitable. I might ask a doctor about it (if I find a new one) but I guess I'm in denial. There's still so much I want to do that I never did because of depression and executive function. I'm in the camp of feeling like mental illness has robbed me of most of my life and in a few years I won't be able to do anything anymore, even though that's not true. It's not like I'm 80, and even then there are artists and writers who have continued to create well into their 90s and even past 100s! Existential dread is great to have when your brain won't let you draw, but it still wants to fill in the gaps. 

Anyways. I'm going to try not to post anything TOO personal here, and if I do it will be locked. I am a long winded motherf*cker when I get started, and I have a lot to complain and ramble about, though I have been trying to curb some of that, take a deep breath, pull back and ask myself "is this really necessary? Do people on the internet NEED to know about this?" Places like Deadjournal, Livejournal, DeviantArt and so on used to be sanctuaries I could go to, to tell my friends my feelings and talk about the things that bothered me most. Now you can't without some random guy named Kevin from Colorado jumping into your business and mansplaining depression to you. The internet is too real, now lol. I dont even like when random people on the street try to talk to me. Go away, Kevin. No one asked you, Kevin. Stupid idiot.

I'll end the cut here.

 
Anyhow... I cant promise that I will maintain a healthy posting rate. (As in, I may post a lot or I may go a long time without posting, who is to say?) I can't promise that I won't sometimes break and dump personal stuff (under lock and key) for anyone who dares to join my friends list. I'd like to post my art and story stuff and try to get back to just doing things for myself (creatively and for my own health), and if someone else wants to come along that's okay too. This will be like a public-ish blog and scrapbook, where I share a little bit of everything I do. And if I grow to hate it, well, onto the next I guess. I'll make a more positive post later!

See you around!